So you had a great holiday season. You partied, hung out with friends and family, and ate a Wonka-esque amount of cannabis chocolate. Now it’s time to get your shit together. Let’s take a look at some New Year’s resolutions and find the best way to accomplish them.
Lose Weight
This is usually the big one. Many of us take liberties during the holiday season. At first , it’s an eggnog here or there. Then, maybe a piece of apple pie for “breakfast”. By December 27th, you think nothing of gobbling up a whole roll of raw cookie dough like it was prison cock. Well, it’s time to get of that merry-go-round of self-abuse. A lot of people will tell you that you should gradually limit your caloric intake. No. You wanna look good. I would severely limit your diet starting on January 2nd.
For example-
Monday-
Breakfast- One poached egg, whole wheat toast, no butter
Lunch- One cup steamed broccoli, one skinless chicken breast
Snack- Glass of water with a lemon in it
Dinner- A toothpick
Tuesday-
Breakfast- A lime
Lunch- A lemon
Snack- The worm from a tequila bottle
Dinner- Oxygen, lick a piece of bacon
Etc.
You should start seeing results in a few days. You may pass out here and there, but that’s the price of looking good.
Start Exercising
By stu_spivack [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
This one goes hand in chubby hand with the first resolution. Even people who don’t need to lose weight will start exercising just to get healthier. My advice- go balls out from the get go. When you wake up on January 2nd, resolve to run everywhere you go. If you are going to the bathroom, run. Going out to get the paper, run. Running, run faster. As you’re going to the bathroom, run (then clean up afterwards). If you have the runs while running, look at the bright side. If you get lost, it will be very easy to find your way back.
In addition to the cardio, find household objects to work out with. Your day should consist of-
- 40 baby curls
- 20 Cat throws (do not substitute baby)
- 10 dryer presses
- 50 push ups with dresser on back
- 20 squats while holding oven
- 50 rowing exercises using wife’s double-sided dildo as resistance band (If it slips into mouth while exercising, pretend it never happened and watch football)
Find a New Job
People spend much of their life at their job. The people you see at work can be many things- friends, confidants, hand-job givers, lunch stealers, TV show ruiners, and bad music choosers. For all intents and purposes, they are your family for much of the day. That could also be why you hate them.
The hardest part is putting yourself out there. Don’t be discouraged that your resume consists of only three former positions- ice-cream man, thouroughbred horse semen milker, and librarian. There’s a job for you, you just have to be persistent.
Quit Drinking
By Bananabernie (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
No.
Be a Better Person
This is the trickiest. I used to hate 93% of everyone I met and would act accordingly. Now I realize that I was part of the problem. I wanted to be a better person, I just didn’t know how to go about it.
I asked myself several soul searching questions-
- Am I the one with the bad attitude?
- Do I treat people with respect, even if I don’t respect them?
- Do I talk to strangers, even if they are not attractive?
- Is there a 98% better chance I will help you with that flat tire if you are mind-blowingly hot?
- Would I let this person urinate on me? How about for 10 bucks?
- Why am I talking to myself all the time?
Be honest in your answers. Let them guide you along the path of compassion and love. If you work hard at it, people may begin to hang out with you. Even like you. Remember, being a better person is a marathon, not a race. Even though a marathon is technically just a long race. So I guess it’s more like running slowly in no particular direction.
Good luck and have a great New Year!!!
chetjesse 