Sharks are are a much misunderstood animal. With the release of the movie “Jaws”, people developed an irrational fear of sharks. Sharks generally are not man eaters and do not seek out people as a food source. They have keen sight and smell and can detect a drop of blood in the water from a great distance away. They can sense the electrical impulses from your body with the Ampullae of Lorenzini in their snouts. There is mounting evidence that most sharks are so intelligent that they can even distinguish between a surfer and a pinniped. So why, you may ask, are there so many shark and human interactions?
The answer…there are a few fucking dumb sharks.
Think about it. Everybody has a buddy in high school who was a cool guy to hang around with but was not the sharpest tool in the shed. After all, it’s not your fault he got his dick caught in the belt sander in shop class. Your dumb-ass friend may get drunk, try to punch you, hit on you and then say he was kidding, but he would never try to bite off a huge chunk of your flesh with dozens of razor-sharp teeth.
Unless this was your buddy.
Sharks have buddies like that, too.
A Recent Shark Conversation
Ted- “Hey, Frank, how’s it going?”
Frank- “Not so good, Ted. My mouth hurts!”
Ted- “What happened now?”
Frank- “I just ate a seal, but the wrapper’s still caught in my teeth!”
Ted (sighing) “That’s a wetsuit, dumb-ass! Whatever. Give my best to Betty and the kids.”
Frank- “Thanks Ted… Whoops!” (Exits and hits head on continental shelf)
Juvenile Sharks
“Katy Perry – Super Bowl XLIX Halftime 02” by Huntley Paton from Huntersville, N.C., USAUploaded by C.Jonel – Left Shark Steals The Show. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons- (link)
First, a word about young sharks. Just recently in Southern California there has been a huge increase in the number of sharks along LA and Orange County beaches. Many people say not to worry, these sharks are just juveniles. They are not aggressive. Maybe…but I don’t know any age group that makes shittier decisions than teenagers. Their parents can tell them not to eat people all day long, but I know that the fucking first thing I wanted to do at that age was whatever my parents told me not to. A lot of them are huffing paint. If you see a shark that’s 6-10 feet long with silver paint on his snout, shit yourself accordingly.
Steps to Prevent a Shark Attack
Before Entering the Ocean-
- Wash off gallon of chicken blood you doused yourself in for voodoo ritual
- Remove all hamburgers from pockets
- Call out, “Any sharks in there?!” If you hear “No!”, you’re probably fine
- Do not stuff urethra with tuna
- Do not swim while wearing ovulating female shark Halloween costume, especially when ovulating. Half-human, half-shark babies look cute, but will take your nipple clean off
If You Encounter a Shark
- Ask him to sign your waterproof copy of “Jaws”
- Shove donkey carcass you carry in case of encounter off surfboard to distract him
- Adopt shark accent and try to communicate…what makes him tick?
- Casually evacuate bowels while commenting on the weather
- Tell them your much fatter, more delicious buddy should be along shortly
If You Are Attacked by a Shark
- Try not to get blood all over new surfboard
- Hit shark on nose and say “No, thank you…Good day, Sir!”
- Cover self in too much hot sauce
- employ much vaunted Titty-Twister Defense
- Try to taste bad
The Odds
Many will tell you that the odds of being attacked by a shark are roughly 3.8 million to one. What they don’t tell you is that the figure varies according to several factors.
For example:
1 in 3.8 million-Odds of being attacked if you never go in ocean. So low because, according to scientists, only two or three sharks have legs and speak passable Mandarin
1 in 2.2 million– Odds of being attacked if your friend goes in ocean and small shark hides in his backpack, slips into your toilet, patiently waits to eat your right ball
1 in 1 million– Odds of being attacked if you occasionally go hot air ballooning over ocean and fall out. Shark catches you in mouth in cruel re-enactment of birthday night at Benihanas
1 in 200,00– Odds of being attacked if you swim 1200 miles upriver from ocean and passing bull shark eats your fucking face
1 in 2– Odds of being attacked if you dip toe in ocean
Remember, before you get in the ocean, take precautions. Always be aware of your surroundings and remain alert. And wear a condom. Sharks HATE condoms.
chetjesse 
