Relationships have always been difficult for everyone… gay, straight, bi-sexual, or those who enjoy making love to balloon animals and are one sharp object away from tragedy. The stress of jobs, kids, and money affects men disproportionately. Nowhere is this more evident than in the bedroom. Beneath a gruff exterior, their beats a heart of gold and a love for romance. In researching this article, I have spoken to several men about the pressures put on them by the media, women, and mythical stereotypes. My hope is that we can get to the tripe of this menudo of emotions.
Man Sex 101
Many think that sex is the only thing guys want from a partner. Nothing could be further from the truth. The only reason fellas want to have sex is to fulfill a biological directive. I’m not talking about the need to procreate and raise 7 kids by working three jobs. I’ve never met as man whose face didn’t light up at that prospect. I’m talking about the fact that if a guy doesn’t have sex, the sperm that accumulate in his testicles will build up and stop his heart from beating or possibly cause his left “nut” to explode. At a minimum, it will affect his serotonin level to the point that he will sit alone in his living room, drinking Old Milwaukee light, watching the 1957 Disney film Old Yeller.
Goddamn that movie was sad.
Understand that this pressure to have sex causes its own problems. Men are supposed to be “horny” and “not cum in their pants trying to get their zipper is down” and “know where the clitoris is”. These are unrealistic expectations. If a man gets too worried about meeting these expectations, he can’t give his mate the gift of his orgasm all over their butt, part of the new couch, and just a little on the hardwood floor that you missed when cleaning up, eventually looking like you rubbed a glazed doughnut on the ground. Their sex life may seem spunky-dory, but these men live in their own privates hell.
And I know I said “privates”.
Sexual Pressure and Faking Orgasms
Millions of guys resort to elaborate plans and fake their own orgasms because they know their significant others wont be satisfied unless the room is plastered with enough fuck sauce to look like a crime scene at a dairy. Let’s talk to some of these poor bastards- I won’t use their real names (except for the third one).
“Marc Marcopolis”- 39 Electrician from Toledo, Ohio
“Sometimes I come home from work and my girlfriend starts pressuring me to having sex. Like most guys, I’m totally fine with watching a foreign film and just cuddling. When we start doing it, I just want it to be over. I go for about 10 minutes and spit a mixture of flour and water I’ve hidden in my cheek onto my girlfriends back. Afterwards, I tell her how hot she is. She slaps my face and starts to fall asleep. As soon as she’s snoring, I go to the bathroom and masturbate, tears streaming down my cheeks, so my testicle won’t blow up. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. ”
“Johnny Pickles” -32 Small appliance repair technician from Akron, Ohio
“I end up faking my orgasms because I feel like I can’t meet my girlfriend’s needs. She’s a gymnast, ballerina, has a PhD in abnormal psychology, and had a terrible relationship with her father. She is incredibly demanding when it comes to sex. You literally need the lungs of a Japanese pearl diver to go down on her because she will cut off all the oxygen with her muscular legs. She doesn’t trim at all. It’s like licking Ben Wallace’s head after a game with the Detroit Pistons. As soon as she comes, she forces me to have sex with her, using my own tears as lubricant.
I have to floss after every encounter just to get the hair out of my teeth.”
By Jauerback (Image:Ben Wallace.jpg by Jauerback) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC BY-SA 4.0-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
“Bruno Galapagos” -28 Waiter from Palm Beach, Florida
“I wish I didn’t even have a penis. I want to spend hours talking to my wife about her friend’s hobbies, the Twilight novels, and my feelings. All she wants to do is take the skin bus to tuna town. I know from my doctor that not having sex can cause one of my balls to spontaneously combust. My wife is constantly pressuring me for more and more sex, especially after she took on a second job and had two kids. She’s insatiable. I only last four seconds, even with a milk carton filled with warm liver fresh out of the microwave, so the first time’s not so bad. She won’t rest, however, until I have come at least twice. The only way I can prove it to her is by baptizing her open-faced ham sandwich with gobs of baby batter. To please her, I secretly tape a quail egg filled with goat semen under my left “nut”. When she’s in the throes of passion, I press the aforementioned egg on her stomach, unleashing its demonic contents. When she falls asleep, I go to the bathroom, throw up, and draw a bunch of lines on my arm with a permanent marker because I’m afraid of knives so I won’t actually cut myself.
My life is a living hell.”
Conclusion
As we can see from these stories, men yearn for companionship, conversation, and a little romance. Far too often, they settle for the cheap substitute of tawdry, profane sex. Even worse, people like David Coverdale and St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Chuck Finley have to settle for Tawny Kitaen sex. Ouch. I hope this article helps you open your heart to the men around you. Would it kill you to offer the next guy you see a flower? Maybe instead of smacking that guy’s ass, just pat him on the back. Maybe instead of cat-calling that shirtless construction worker, a hearty “good day!” will do. Maybe instead of jamming your un-lubricated thumb in your mate’s butthole, you could buy him a nice warm latte.
Or split the difference with a coffee enema.
Hugs, not hand-jobs.
Thank you.
chetjesse 