Welcome to another edition of Ask Chet! Here’s a question about dog-training that I received recently.
Dear Chet,
I am trying to train my dog Dakota, a big, strapping German Shepard. I recently got him from the local shelter. He’s about three years old and a great dog to have around for protection and companionship. Do you have any tips on training him?
Proud K9 Owner
Dear Proud Owner,
Firstly- what are your goals? Do you just want to take him on walks and get along with other dogs or are you looking at more extensive training, including agility or service animal type training?
Chet
Dear Chet,
I want this dog to be very responsive to commands. Basically, when I say “jump”, I want him to say “Rooow righ!?!” That’s how he would sound if he could talk and was saying “how high”, just in case you went through your entire childhood without watching Scooby Doo. I have already started his training every day in the morning when I wake up. I keep pushing his backside down and don’t feed him breakfast until he sits.
Proud Owner
Dear Chet,
As near as I can tell, my name is “Dakota”. That seems to be the word the asshole I live with uses the most. I was at the shelter, minding my own business, after enjoying some “me” time away from my previous owner. Apparently my credit ran out but luckily this guy came in and adopted me before I had to take the dirt nap. He seemed cool at first but he’s turning into a real dick. He wakes me up at the crack and then keeps pressing down on my ass. It’s totally confusing. The weirdest thing is, as soon as he pushes it to the ground and I get sick of getting back up, he gives me some food.
I don’t think I like where this is going.
Dakota?…I’m not a six-year old upper-middle class white girl.
Dear Chet,
Just an update-
I am now working on some agility training. I set up a bunch of obstacles in the back yard and I run him through them over and over. He seems to love it!
Proud Owner
Dear Chet,
I fucking hate this. I’ve been doing his stupid sitting thing whenever he asks. Now he seems to be training me for some sort of fucking secret mission. I didn’t sign up for this. When am I going to need to crawl under barbed wire? The only mission this guy should be on is meeting a woman. He sits in an easy chair all night and whacks off to adult movies on HBO. HBO is to porn what Hooters is to an actual strip bar.
Also…I’M RIGHT AT THE FOOT OF THE CHAIR!!!
Have some decency, Bro.
Dakota
Dear Proud Owner,
Glad to hear everything is going well. I would look in the local paper for a trainer in your area. There are a lot of online resources that will help, too. Just make sure he gets plenty of exercise and play time too. He’s still a young dog.
Chet
Dear Chet,
I will! I have been spending a lot of time researching things online. I really enjoy it. Thanks for the suggestion!
Proud Owner
Dear Chet,
Researching!?!? Is that what he’s telling you? Well, I hope he’s finding lots of great advice on shavedjapanesecoed.com because he spent an hour on it today. Dude- when he pet me afterwards, his hand kind of stuck to my fur. It was literally the grossest thing I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve eaten cat shit.
P.S. I hope you appreciate how hard it is to type with paws.
Dakota
Dear Chet,
Unfortunately my dog, Dakota, ran away. I am heartbroken. We were making great strides, becoming the best of friends. I will always miss the short time we were together.
Sadly,
Proud (ex) Owner
Dear Chet,
Holy Shit. Thank God that nightmare is over. My ex-owner had just finished “researching” stuff on the internet (thanks again, by the way). He called me and when I walked into the living room he had smeared peanut butter all over his genitals and had a raw hot dog sticking halfway out his ass. Chet, don’t get me wrong. I’ve done a few things I’m not proud of…crapped in a kid’s shoe, sniffed a few butts, drank milk from a cow’s teat, and committed mail fraud. And I looooove peanut butter. But Dakota don’t roll like that.
I found a new owner already. She’s great. She’s giving me all kinds of treats today because this afternoon she’s taking me to get “neutered”, whatever that means. Hope it’s over early. I have a date with the poodle next door tonight and I got a feeling someones gonna be sore tomorrow, if you get my drift.
Dakota
chetjesse 