Aries
You have had a run of bad luck due to recent lunar events and the fact that your astrological sign is named after a compact Chrysler sedan from the 80’s. It doesn’t help that you still drive one either.
Taurus
Keep yourself open to the prospects of new relationships. You may meet that one-in-a-million person that can convince you of how shitty a person you actually are.
Gemini
It’s important to set boundaries with your friends. Carry a piece of chalk with you to draw a circle around you at social events. If someone crosses without permission, hit them with a sock full of oranges.
Cancer
Sometimes it’s important to ignore the advice of others and follow your heart, but your condom delivery business falls flat due to your “installation not included” clause.
Leo
You are finding it difficult to stick to a schedule lately so you have decided to write a to-do list every day but you forgot where you left your dry-erase marker and when you accidentally sat on it you perforated your large intestine. Pour some milk on a cereal bowl filled with antibiotics for breakfast.
Virgo
You will feel the need to confront a friend who has accused you of lying. Little does she know, “confront” to you means hitting her on the head with a rubber mallet.
Libra
The discomfort you feel around your mate turns out to be scabies.
Scorpio
By José Goulão from Lisbon, Portugal (Scorpions) [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons
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